


Just a Man

by Augustus



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-11-29
Updated: 2000-11-29
Packaged: 2018-03-08 05:58:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3198005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Judas falls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just a Man

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: No offence intended. This is based on the musical characters not religious identities.   
> Credit: Lyrics by Tim Rice.

_((When he's cold and dead will he let me be?  
Does he love me too? Does he care for me?))_

I'm breaking up, tearing apart, falling. I clutch at an ever-thinning tendril of light, walking blind with no one to guide my scattered steps. I'm dying inside.

Dying.

Your blood is on my hands. I see it now, glowing crimson beneath a golden moon. And yet I am not the only one feeling the acrid taste of murder on trembling lips. I bear no responsibility for my state of mind, refuse to acknowledge stone on light on flesh on…

And the world goes on around me. Black-caped shadows linger and surround, entwining, choking. Is it dark where you are? Does the pain overwhelm or does it form a soothing balm for the nothingness ahead? I only want to know, Lord. I only want to know…

Do you know how you move me? You're meant to be omniscient, right? Then read my mind. Delve through the weeds and the vermin and the rotting darkness and take a peek at my inner spirit. I'm no golden halo of light. I'm not you. I think we've seen that demonstrated, laid out in silver pieces on foot-worn stone. Step a little deeper into the sepulchre of my being. On your right, you'll see a misbegotten youth; on your left, you'll find betrayal. Mind the gap… it's a gaping chasm.

You led me to this abyss. I was just your puppet, not a friend, nothing more. It becomes so icy clear now that my thoughts have turned to night. To think that I listened while you calmly sealed my fate. You knew all along that the price was my soul. My heart, my life, my being, my soul. Did I mean nothing to you? I wish you meant nothing to me.

Nothing. There's nothing here, Lord. The shadows seem to be seeping from within, black blood flowing from a treacherous wound. Was it always this way? I remember light, silver sundrops on golden curls. There was laughter once, I'm sure of it, warm skin and the heady scent of mortality. None of this immortality of which you now speak. Once, I never left your side. Your right hand man. When did everything get so out of hand?

When did admiration ferment into something fatal? It was beautiful, but now it has soured. And I'm so sick of talk of death and dying and higher design. You've changed. Or is it me? Nothing here now, nothing to see, move along please, you're causing a scene…

An obscenity. That's what I've become. Antithesis, nemesis, call me what you will. Misguided of motive, luckless in love, toss me the title and I'll try to conform. I'll try. 

I've tried a lot of things in my time, Lord. I've tried innocence, tried perdition. And I can't seem to recall the moment I volunteered to be the pawn in your misguided martyrdom. A checkmate seems to be closing in, a cocoon of grey metamorphosing into black, white, black, white…

Why? Why me? I only ever did what you wanted me to do. And now I'm damned for all time. Damned the first time you looked at me, cursed the moment you spoke my name. I should have seen my fate in the hellfire of your touch, should have felt Hades in the fervour of your gaze. All I saw was you. A crime of passion, a sin of the heart. But to be with you now…

To be loved. To be alive.

You spoke so often of love, words raining blind on my illiteracy. But do you truly care for me, Lord, now that the blood on my hands flows thick with eternity? Could you even look my way when the inferno lights my eyes, when the shadows embrace me? Why speak of love to one so unworthy? This stain will be vanquished. This night will be ended.

This fall will be eternal, this descent without end. Life and betrayal intertwine in an ill-fated noose, the strings of your marionette entangled and broken. So, this is my destiny. A final dance of love and death beneath a sky dark with innocent blood. One last dive into the rising flames. And I'm dying inside.

Dying.

_((My mind is darkness now…))_

**29th November 2000**


End file.
